Breeched, yet unshod.




I went shopping today for back-to-school clothes for the kids. (Ouch! I thought uniforms were supposed to save money?). Passing the juniors section, I saw some of the trendy stovepipe jeans on display, and thought, oh, what the hell. I mean, I haven't eaten a carbohydrate in months. And for what, if not for the right to rehash styles from junior high?

In the dressing room mirror, I hestitated. They looked pretty good in the leg, and from what I could tell, not bad in the rear. But some things have changed since grade nine. I put in a call to my fashionista pal:

"About the new skinny jeans, I was just wondering, are there any out there that will hold in our tummies? Or, should asking that question automatically disqualify me from wearing them?"

I had to leave a message. But just as I was putting them back on the rack, I noticed all the long, blousy, tunics also on display. Long and blousy enough to drape over the low-rise waistband of a pair of skinny jeans. I chose a steely gray one.

I was feeling proudly with-it until I got home and realized I have absolutely no shoes to go with my ensemble (or anywhere to wear it, in 100 degree-plus weather, but that's beside the point). Like Edward Scissorhands, I am unfinished. What I think they need are candy-apple red pumps. Or silver pointy-toe stilletos. What I have are flip-flops. Let's not even go into the state of my feet, except to plead that I grew up in a place where you wear boots ten months of the year. Putting makeup on my toes is not something that naturally occurs to me to do.

My girlfriends try to help me, and I owe any accidental hipness factor entirely to my association with them. But really, I'm doing well if my clothes are on right side out before I leave the house. Accessorizing is beyond me. Also, I have anaphylactic sticker shock when it comes to fashion. Deep down inside, I believe I alone will be responsible for the starving of millions if I spend more than forty dollars at a time decorating myself.

So, feel free to intervene here...shoe suggestions, anyone?

filed under: money, fluffdrivel
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cheapskate, skinny jeans, postpartum abdominals, shoes